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Article by Judith A. Starkey

Cultures and Parenting

Ever stop to think about how cultures influence our parenting?  Not just the obvious ones related to our national origins, but many others as well.  Let’s look at a few of them, and see how their values can affect us.

Cultures of Ethnicity

Recently I was working with an older Japanese-American businessman.  Although he was born in the U.S., his parents were born and raised in Japan.  At home he was immersed in Japanese values.  When he started school his teacher kept asking him why he would not look her in the eye.  He tried to explain that his parents had taught him it was disrespectful and rude to look directly at an elder or authority figure, to which she replied that she felt he was hiding something, perhaps lying.  Even though he understood the teacher’s viewpoint, his parents’ values were continually ingrained in him each day so that when he returned to school, and later on in the American workplace, it was always an internal tug-of-war as to how he should look at people.  Now at age 70, he said he still has trouble with it, and I could see it was even difficult for him to look at me as we were talking.

Group Orientation vs. Individualism

This small example of different perspectives on the meaning of eye contact illustrates the concept of group orientation vs. individualism.  Here’s another sample:  a schoolteacher colleague of mine tells of a Japanese businessman who visited her schoolroom while seeking a school for his children during his temporary U.S. assignment.  He was surprised at the room set-up.  In Japan children are seated at round tables.  When the teacher asks a question, all the children at each table confer, reach consensus and then raise their hands in unison with their answer−but only when they think they have reached the best solution.  The emphasis is on  quality vs. speed, derived through teamwork.  In America most schoolrooms have individuals seated in rows, and children are encouraged to compete with each other to be the first with an answer.

Most cultures of the world are group-oriented, in that the “group” (family, religion, company, country) takes priority over the interests of the individual.  Many languages actually have a class ranking built into them, with different forms of address for different degrees of familiarity.  Often the hierarchical ranking of obligation and deference is very complex, with the individual at the bottom of the chart.  The United States, on the other hand, was created by individuals so restricted by these various groups that they felt they could not live their lives to their full individual potential.  French historian Alexis de Tocqueville actually coined the word “individualism” to describe the American character during his visit in the 1850’s.  America  continues to be a magnet for those seeking improved individual prospects. 

Cultural Characteristics

Although subsequent generations of immigrants usually adapt to a widely-recognized norm of so-called “American” behavior, they still may retain some aspects of their ancestors’ teachings.  It varies from person to person.  Once when I was working with a group of employees I asked them to do a self-evaluation exercise.  A woman of American Indian heritage raised her hand and said she did not want to participate.  I told her that was fine, it was strictly voluntary, but the degree of public exposure she received from that brief exchange embarrassed her enough so that she asked to be excused.  She left the room and did not return for an hour. 

Consider how the following characteristics can vary among cultures, and how they may explain the behavior not only of parents, but also their children:

• The historic Anglo-American culture is highly task-oriented, i.e., everything revolves around action.  Direct in nature, we like to come right to the point, evaluating people by what they produce.  When we return from vacation we are asked, “What did you do?”  In discussing this with an East Indian recently, he said his friends are more interested in being than doing.  A good time for them is just schmoozing and hanging out together, talking about ideas.
   
• Due to the importance of hierarchy in group-orientation, almost all cultures outside the U.S. are far more formal at the outset.  Through relationship development, however, trust can ensue and an informality may follow resulting in deep personal bonds.  Americans as a culture appear to be more friendly at the outset, but usually have a stopping point a few layers below the initial friendliness beyond which they are reluctant to emotionally bond.
   
• The concept of “self” does not exist in many Asian cultures.  Children are referred to as the “elder” or “younger.”  A Korean man I know refers to his wife as “our wife,” because in their thinking she belongs to the whole family.
   
• Saving face is paramount in a complex group-oriented culture, because shame would be reflected on not only oneself but also on the family, company and possibly country.  As a result, people may fear showing ignorance or making a mistake.  This cultural value can be a challenge when teaching.  In my work I always try to phrase questions requiring  open-ended answers, rather than a “yes” or “no” response−in that way I have a better chance of learning what the person actually understands.
   
• In Arab and American cultures, eye contact is a sign of sincerity, while in Japan it can be seen as potentially threatening and is usually avoided.  Direct eye contact to a person of authority may be perceived as defiant and disrespectful among some African-Americans (particularly raised in Southern states), Asians, American Indians and Hispanics.  Black males often have a steady gaze, which Anglo-Americans may find disconcerting. 
   
• Smiling is perceived in the Anglo-American culture as a friendly gesture.  In some Asian cultures, however, it can be perceived not only as friendliness, but also possibly flirtation (particularly by women) or concealing embarrassment.  Europeans, Middle Easterners and Africans may consider smiling to be a sign of weakness or silliness−similar reactions may occur to the use of humor.
   
• People’s sense of personal space varies according to their acculturation.  It is a matter of hierarchy (acknowledging authority), conditioning (people from densely-crowded cities stand closer to others than those from sparsely-population farm areas) and beliefs (Middle-Easterners stand very close to one another).
   
• Time is money in America.  Time is relative in more group-oriented cultures, relative to relationships and long-term interests.  Family is the most important entity in group-oriented cultures, taking priority over everything else.  In many Latino families, particularly recent immigrants, if a personal relationship needs attention, they may be late for appointments or school and will assume the delay is acceptable.
   
• Highly expressive relationship-oriented cultures, such as Hispanic and African-American, often feel touching is a natural part of life; however, both have a sense of formality and hierarchy and may consider being touched without permission to be offensive.  Anglo-Americans and Asians usually feel touching in most situations is inappropriate and prefer to show warmth in other ways.  These disparate views can cause a lot of misunderstanding, particularly between genders.

Cultures of Gender

Since the beginning of recorded history most cultures have been dominated by men who, for the most part, held the world’s power.  The need to survive in a hostile world and maintain order drove many of these concepts.  Although the balance of gender influence is changing, the male point of view has had the most significant role in shaping all historical traditions. 

When it comes to raising children, boys and girls are often treated differently, influenced by the dominant cultural traditions.  Journalist Peggy Orenstein explored the influences of home, school and society on how girls and boys are raised to think about themselves in her book, Schoolgirls.  After interviewing parents, teachers, and boys and girls in affluent and lower socio-economic schools, these are some of her observations:

• Boys want to get ahead; girls want to get along.
   
• Boys see themselves as better than girls; girls see themselves as equal to boys.
   
• Boys snap their fingers to get attention, and are often rewarded for this behavior by the teacher; girls keep their hands raised till called on.
   
• Girls are taught overtly to fulfill their potential, but learn other negative messages subliminally.
   
• Girls' self-esteem is tied strongly into how they look, or their appearance.
   
• Middle-class white girls often become anorexic.  Black urban girls like bigness, equating it with survival and power.  Their strategy to succeed is to stay away from boys.
   
• Latina girls still suffer from machismo stereotyping by family and the educational system.  They are vulnerable to gangs, particularly in the inner city.

The Multicultural Phenomenon

Characteristics reviewed above are just a smattering of all the many cultural influences in our daily lives.  Additionally, cultures of generations are extremely significant, as we are reminded frequently with news about Seniors, the Baby Boomers, and Generations X, Y and beyond.    Other forces of acculturation include mixtures of cultural heritages, regional differences, education, personal style, class status and the media.  Also, major religious philosophies of the world (in alphabetical order) Buddhism, Christianity, Confucianism, Hinduism, Islam and Judaism have paramount impact with their teachings on human behavior.

Research studies have shown that our childhood years are the most profound in our development, particularly up to age 7, with some saying it takes a significant emotional event to change a personal value after age 21.  Nevertheless, we and our children are inexorably influenced daily by the many cultural influences whirling around us.  The good news is that as we become more familiar with cultural values, we are empowered to interact more effectively with those whose values may differ from our own.  Armed with knowledge, we can develop strategies together to reach our common goals. 

With the accelerated speed of change in our global environment, to say nothing of technology, it’s hard to imagine what future cultural influences will be.  One thing is sure:  we will all become more and more multicultural as we adapt to our changing world.

Speaker and author Judith A. Starkey is president of The Starkey Group, Inc., a consulting and training firm providing multicultural strategies.  For more information see www.StarkeyGrp.com.

For permission to reproduce this article contact StarkeyGrp@aol.com or the address below.

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